God Bless Good Pdocs

Have I mentioned how good value my pdoc is? Ok, once or twice

Today I was a bit hypomanic... and she just listened to me prattle on. I had so much to tell her about my coping strategies over the past fortnight.

I had my "friend" try to sabotage my group two weeks ago and carry on like a porkchop since. The "friend" who supported me through that incident, turned out to not be who "she" said "she" was and the stories "she" gave me were revealed by police as false. I was really shaken and didn't sleep well.

But I still went to voluntary work in the morning. I think I have mentioned that I accepted that I was struggling and handled it in such a way that others accepted I wasn't having a good day and I made sure I avoided triggers as I was highly reaction. Outcome: Stayed engaged and didn't flip out.

I told her how I didn't want to go to my exercise class - just wanted to stay home in my jamas - but went anyway because I want to lose weight and engage with others in real life. I got the most beautifullest, warmest welcome. And I even got a possible new casual job too!

I know I've spoken about my rates too - and how I got that situ sorted. I think I've spoken about my fine, which they waived because I just didn't know I had gone onto a toll road and have a perfect payment history otherwise.

I discussed my experiences with the dodgy travel agent trying to rip me off and not replying to my emails - until I told them I had reported them - and they only replied with total garbage anyway.
I told her about how I booked with the cruise directly and then was tempted by a cheaper offer with another travel agent, cancelled the booking and then the travel agent didn't get through. It took me a day, a couple of phone calls and a lot of distress tolerance and interpersonal skills to get back to the original price - (it was going to cost me heaps more $$$$$).

Like I have mentioned before the intense issues and emotions that came up during that process were very eye-opening. My pdoc said that nothing cognitively can address those wounds, only good positive experiences will provide the evidence to undo those deeply held convictions, because they were formed by significant and very real life events.

I told her about how I went to the zoo after being stood up by my friends before accepting my friend's invitation of coffee at her house. The zoo was my treat for me, my way of changing my mood - and I was much brighter company for my friend having gone to the zoo.

She was so stoked about how this person with bipolar, borderline and ptsd managed her challenging symptoms from a challenging week, full of challenging triggers in the most challenging areas of her life .

I even gave her my show and tell of dbt book I ordered from America. She did the oooooh's and aaaaarh's one would expect from the holistic pdoc she is.

We spoke about my BPD and how with the experiences I've had in my formative years, that it will always be there, but that I am going well atm with managing those symptoms.

So that's what I told her about and I was EXHAUSTED by the end of the session!

Hypomanic Bipolars can talk!!!

Fiji was meant to be a good experience. The preparation has turned into a nightmare. Some of it my fault.

I'm to the point where I'm wondering whether it is worth it. It has been nothing but an infuriating exercise trying to get the cruise booked. I am in "throw up my hands" mode now.

I should feel lucky about having the capacity to go on a cruise to Fiji but it just seems to be a window to be seriously jerked around by the travel industry. I'm going for a walk to cool off.

So should I go? Is this just a week full of crap trying to book or is it just an indicator not to bother spending $4K on a nightmare.

I really feel like I'm about to blow a gasket. I haven't been managing life very well lately.

I know people are inherently unreliable but I haven't had a good run of things of late. I know there are things to learn but there is some sh1t that just needs to remain in other peoples buckets - and it is important for me not to take on. I do have reliable friends but good friendships take time to deepen and they can be so fragile. Sometimes people can pull some totally stupid sh1t. I am more triggered by inappropriate behaviour because of prior abuse. I also don't weed out drongos because harmful people is my "normal". I'm not perfect either. One foot in front of the other.

I went to the travel agency. Looked at cruises for my 40th. I know it sounds bad but I'm finding it difficult to get excited about it. I see myself as a disability pension who can't afford to blow money like that. My pdoc supports me in my idea to book a trip away - to celebrate what I have achieved and grieve what I haven't achieved in my bipolar affected life. Even the cruise is making me feel lonely as it is just my son and me. I know I should be more grateful for my fantastic boy, but I was kinda hoping I didn't just have one other person in my life at 40. I want more in my life than just my son. Wine, about the lovely opportunity to spend a fun time with my beautiful young man, over. I will be grateful for what I do have

I did a depression course and I've sorta stood back and observed what I like and don't like in the other participants. Usually I don't allow myself to be so discerning. But I'm sick of taking such a pollyanna perspective of people and then finding myself bitterly disappointed when they act in the way that have indicated they could act, but I have ignored, preferring only to see the very best in them.

The group will continue meeting each Wednesday for coffee, and I'll be a part of that but I am having this one woman to my house for coffee at some other time. She actually invited herself over - and she is the only person I wanted to have over - so how cool is that? LOL.

Slow and steady... but I look forward to getting to know her better and where she may or may not fit in my life